


Clueless Re-Vamped

by Amelia Abernathy (authr2b)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Vampire, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-08-22 17:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8293322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/authr2b/pseuds/Amelia%20Abernathy
Summary: What happens when four people are accidentally turned into vampires without them knowing it? Follow four new vampires as it takes time for them to come to the realization of what they now are and what it means for them.  A rewrite of my fic Clueless that I started last year and recently took down because it deserved a better try.  Inspired by a few Tumblr posts.





	1. The First Victim

**Author's Note:**

> I started this October of last year as part of a Halloween prompt list. I didn't give it the attention it deserved and had to take it down and start over. I hope you enjoy the new and improved Clueless.

0331 Saturday 10/15

There were some things they didn’t tell you in nursing school. Like just how fucking fast the ER requires you to work, or how patients will start hitting on you if they’re conscious and high. But she hadn’t been warned about being attacked. 

Ymir was one of the team that rushed to the ambulance containing a John Doe who’d been involved in a car accident. 

“What happened?” Dr. Zacharias asked the EMT. 

“Jumped in front of a student’s car. We think it may have been a suicide attempt.” One said. 

“He doesn’t have a phone or keys or an ID of any sort on him, so we can’t help in identifying him.” the other said. The Doctor nodded and everyone started wheeling the man into the hospital. They got him into a treatment room, allowing Dr. Zacharias to check his breathing with a stethoscope while Nurse Ral rushed into the back to grab some type O blood. 

“He’s got blood in his lungs.” The doctor announced, “Fritz, suction it out.” She nodded and one of the other nurses helped her get the equipment out and she began feeding a tube down the man’s throat. 

One of the things nobody warned her about since it was a rare occurrence, was that it was best to keep your hands away from the mouths of semi-delirious patients because, on occasion, they will bite. Like this one did, right on the meaty bit of her hand below the thumb. 

She cried out and instinctively tried to yank her hand away, but the man bit down harder, and she could feel her skin tearing and his teeth digging into her muscle. “Can somebody fucking help me please?!” She shrieked. Dr. Zacharias and Nurse Braun tried to pry the man’s jaws apart while another nurse administered a sedative to the man. 

They managed to get the man’s jaws opened enough to the point where Petra, who had just returned from grabbing blood, could jam in little metal tools that would keep his mouth open, and began spreading his teeth further apart. Ymir was finally able to pull out her hand and was sent off to another doctor to get stitched up and tested for any possible pathogens that might have been passed over to her. 

 

She found out later that the rest of her team had been unable to save the John Doe and that his blood was also being tested, just in case whatever he’d transferred didn’t show up on the first blood test and she could get tested again. 

Once her hand was stitched up, however, she went to dinner and then straight back to work. She didn’t want to get sent home so early in the night. She needed the hours so that she could stay in the apartment a block away from the hospital. Plus she was finally getting the all important third date with the cutie whose friend she’d fixed up last month. 

She couldn’t afford to go broke now. 

Her shift ended around eight, and she went outside into the cool autumn air. She stood and stretched for a moment, savoring the coolness of the breeze before walking home. 

Once she got home she collapsed on her couch and took a nap before a timer went off reminding her that the next date was happening at her place in a few short hours. 

She got up and winced as her stomach rebelled, and her head pounded. She figured she probably just needed to get something to eat and drink since she hadn’t had much. She scarfed down a cup of instant noodles and an eight-ounce bottle of water before taking a shower. That didn’t really help, her head still pounded, she was still exhausted, and her stomach was still twisting and turning. But there was no way in hell she was going let a little upset stomach ruin her date.


	2. Bite Number Two

0439 Saturday 10/15

Eren wasn’t a fan of these parties, but since he’d been invited by his friend, he didn’t want to seem rude and not go. And even get a little sloshed. But he’d had to go alone since his boyfriend felt no obligation to go to the party, and said to pass along some excuse about editing a book. 

He was on his fourth drink when a woman, who he vaguely remembered was a dispatcher for the police department, came up to him and began flirting. It was very obvious what her intentions were, but he just couldn’t find a place in the conversation to inform her that she was not his type. 

“So, uh,” she said after chatting him up for a good long while, “Would you like to come back to my place?” she asked, staring not so subtly at his crotch before giving him some more “come-hither” eyes. 

“Yeah, sorry, but I’m taken.” He replied, relieved to finally be getting that over with. She pouted. 

“Ah, come on, she’ll never have to know.” she placed her hand on his chest. 

“Sorry, but even if I was the type to cheat, you’re not my type.” He replied, politely removing her hand. 

“I can be whatever type you want me to be.” she insisted. 

“So you can grow a dick?” he asked, which took her aback. 

“Oh, so you’re that type.” she said, “Let’s see if we can’t change that.” she grabbed his head and pulled him into a deep kiss. He managed to wiggle out of it but she went straight for his neck and tried kissing it while he tried not to hurt her while pushing her off. 

And then she bit him, and he gave up on being nice. He flat out shoved her away and touched a hand to his now bloody neck. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he demanded. “Fucking- If you come near me again I’m going to call the fucking police.” he informed her, walking away. 

 

Since he was well beyond safely driving a car he walked outside and called Armin to meet him at the gas station down the street. 

He was a little shaken by what had happened, so he kept a tight grip on the pocket knife in his jacket until he saw Armin’s sedan pull into view. Armin was rather concerned by the bite on Eren’s neck, but after a little bit of assuring he calmed down and started driving home. 

“Will you be able to remember what she looks like?” Armin asked. “In case this happens again?” 

“Yeah, that won’t be a problem. It was like an instant sober thing. It hurt like a bitch, I didn’t know that teeth could actually break skin like that. I thought it was just some stupid anime thing.” Armin smiled and took Eren’s hand. 

“Well, hopefully you don’t have to see her again. I can’t believe people are that crazy.” Armin said with a small shudder. 

 

Armin woke Eren up that afternoon around two. “You know, if this were a week day, you’d have missed school.” he reminded him, but Eren barely paid any attention. He was still groggy, and felt as if he could hurl, which wasn’t helped by the smell of leftover Italian food wafting in from the kitchen. 

“Baby, I don’t feel good.” Eren said, grabbing Armin’s hand, “Cuddle with me.” 

“Eren, you’re just hungover.”

“No, I think I’m sick.” Armin came closer and put his hand on ERen’s forehead. 

“Well, you’re definitely warmer than usual.” 

“Cuddle with me.” 

“Don’t you want something to eat or drink?” 

“No, I want to cuddle.” 

“I have to finish editing this book-” 

“You can edit it I just wanna cuddle.” Eren whined. 

“Fine. If you think it’ll make you feel better. But If I get sick you’re sleeping on the couch.”


	3. Third Time's The Charm

0657 Saturday 10/15

Levi had taken all of two sips from his coffee when Annie radioed saying he needed to respond to a mall disturbance. One morning he would love to just be able to sit and enjoy his coffee before having to respond to something. 

He flipped on his lights and sped over to the mall. He pulled up to the east exit, where a mother in a leopard print workout suit stood next to a stroller with her smartphone being held to her ear. 

“About time.” She huffed, brushing her bangs out of her face. “I’ve been waiting out here for ten minutes.” It took all of Levi’s strength to not be a sarcastic ass to the lady. 

“Where’s the man in question?” He asked. 

“At the end of the hall. And please make it quick. I’d hate to think my tax dollars are going to lazy cop.” 

“Ma’am, your taxes don’t go to a cop’s salary, I can promise you that.” he snipped before going inside the mall. He wasn’t sure if the statement was completely true, but as much as he got paid, either the lady was jipping out on her taxes or her money was going somewhere else. 

A man was staggering around near a perfume shop with a half empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s dangling from his left hand. 

“Sir!” Levi called, “Sir, can I talk to you for a moment?” The man turned around to look at him. 

“Whaddyawan?” he asked. Levi swore he could smell the booze from two stores away. 

“Sir, I’m going to need you to come with me so you can sober up safely.” The closer he got the more he got worried about being able to drive, this dude was practically exuding alcohol into the air. 

“Donwanna.” The man said, raising the bottle in his hand, but not to drink. Levi stopped twenty feet away from the man. 

“Sir, you’re not in trouble yet, just come with me, we’ll set you up at the station so that you can sleep this off, and then we can talk whenever you’ve had time to get sober. Sound good?” He asked. 

“Donwannago.” the man said, swaying slightly. 

“Sir, I’d hate to have to arrest you for such a minor infraction. Let’s be reasonable and I’ll take you back to the station.” 

“No!” The man barked. Levi sighed. 

“Fine. Have it your way.” He said. He could handle a drunkard. He took a few steps forward, and barely registered the man’s motions before the bottle of Jack smashed into the side of his face, leaving behind shards of glass that stung with the alcohol. Levi took a few steps back, his arms raised in defense. A group of ladies that were crossing the area behind them started screaming. 

“Alright, you’ve asked for it.” Levi said, launching himself at the man, who was now brandishing the broken bottle neck like a knife. Levi knocked the man’s arm away with the baton and rammed his fist into the man’s solar plexus. The other arm wrapped around Levi’s Neck and pulled him up. The other hand tried to bring up the bottle neck, but Levi was able to smash it. 

That was either a coincidence or a diversion to keep Levi’s attention away from the man’s mouth as it closed around his ear. He cried out and heard the ladies screaming as one yelled into the receiver, presumably to a dispatcher. Levi took the butt of his baton and rammed it into the drunkard’s groin, hoping that would make him loosen his grip. 

It didn’t. IT did, however make the man bit down harder as he screeched, deafening Levi. He saw no other option, so he pulled out pepper spray and whipped it around to spray the man behind him. 

That did the trick. The man let go and backed away, trying to rub his eyes, which would only make it worse. While he was distracted, Levi slid up behind him, pulling both arms behind his back long enough to cuff the man. 

Thankfully a few other female officers arrived to take care of reading the man his rights. 

“Are you okay Levi?” one asked as he sat down to regain himself. 

“Besides the cuts, I’m fine. I just need a sec. God, I feel acid reflux coming up.” He groaned, rubbing his chest. 

“Well, you just head to the hospital. We’ll have Annie clock you out and write up the report.” 

“Or you could do it, she’s busy enough in dispatch.” He grunted. “Okay, this isn’t going away so I’m just going to head out.” 

“I’ll call and let the hospital know you’re coming.” One said. 

“Thank you.” 

“And I’ll see if someone can call the school so your kids know not to wait up for you.” 

“Nah, I’ll text my mom and have her get them. Last time they walked home they ended up in a strip club.” 

 

When he pulled into the parking lot of the hospital he was feeling really woozy and was having a hard time staying on his feet. Maybe it was the blood loss, maybe the alcohol had made a beeline for his blood system, or maybe he was just deprived of caffeine. He tried to walk towards the hospital, but the world started to twist and turn, so he just stood with one hand on the car while a petite red haired nurse walked over to him. 

“They said you were rough,” Petra said, “But I don’t think rough covers it.” 

“Nope. Can you lend me your shoulder? I can barely figure out which way is up right now.” 

“Yeah, you really need an IV, you look terrible.” 

“Yeah. But maybe I should keep this look for Halloween.” He suggested as Petra slipped his arm around her shoulders. 

“Maybe with less real glass.” She suggested, slowly helping him over to the ER entrance. 

“Yeah, obviously.” 

He made it into the room and onto the table before announcing he was going to take a nap before he actually passed out. He stayed upright long enough to take off his jacket, but then fell backwards and closed his eyes. 

Petra was left to roll her eyes at him, and insert the IV and blood drip. 

It took a while to pull out all of the glass and clean it out, as well as stitch up the deeper cuts and the bite marks around the ear. 

He was still out whenever she finished, so she took the time to write up the report and paperwork. But when he didn’t wake up after that, she started to get worried and called in Dr. Zacharias to check on him. Usually a nurse was enough for these cases, but after the way he’d acted earlier, she didn’t want to be solely responsible.   
Mike woke Levi up, and he replied with some weird grumlbing sounds before fully waking up. 

“Hey, how long was I out.” 

“Just a few hours,” Mike replied, “We were just getting worried.” 

“Okay, thanks.” Levi replied through a yawn. “I hope I didn’t cause any trouble.” 

“We get paid to deal with that trouble.” Mike laughed. “So, you weren’t feeling right when you came in, besides the whole bottle to the face thing.” 

“No, I was off. I still feel that reflux bullshit, but other than that I feel just fine.” Mike nodded. 

“Okay, well take it easy on the ride home. You know the drill, call someone if you start feeling worse. Oh, but from what Petra told me, I suggest at least a week off to recover so you don’t fuck up your cuts.” 

“Oh joy, no work for a week.” Levi sighed. 

“Sorry, that’s just the way it is.” Mike said with a shrug. “Try not to come in anytime soon huh?” 

“No promises.” Levi joked as the doctor left. Petra gathered up the bloodied jacket and the paperwork. 

“Alright, you’re ready to go.” She said, holding out the jacket. Levi took it and slid off the table. 

“So, I’m off for a week-” 

“Don’t try.” Petra laughed. “I thought we went over this.” 

“Oh come on.” Levi prodded, “Just one coffee and I’ll leave you alone.” 

“I won’t just go for coffee.” She said. “I’m not a cheap kind of girl.” 

“Starbucks and one of their pastry things?” Levi offered. That made her pause. 

“And you’ll pay?” she asked. 

“Of course.” Levi replied. “I wouldn’t ask you on a date and expect you to pay.” Petra sighed. 

“Okay, fine. But only because I’ve been craving their pumpkin spice latte.” she huffed, walking out of the room, allowing Levi a little victory fist pump before following her outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So these first three chapters were written while I got a better sketch of the series, from her on I can't promise that the chapters will be posted so promptly. But If I get this done I get a shiny Pumpkaboo, so I'm going to do my best.


	4. An Eventful Date

Petra said she wouldn't have any time off where she could go get a drink until the end of the week. Levi slightly suspected that she had some time, but didn't want him out and about while he was still freshly sliced and diced. Which worked with him. 

He got home an hour before school got out, and decided he was still going to get his mom to pick up his kids. When he called, he didn't tell her exactly what had happened, he just said that he’d come home early because he wasn't feeling well. If she came inside then she'd see. But if she found out beforehand then she'd spend too much time freaking out and miss picking them up. One of the few downsides of having her as a mom. 

He changed and got his clothes in the wash before laying down on the couch to try and get some better rest. Though he had passed out on the table earlier, it wasn't really sleep. 

But just as he was about to doze, off the front door slammed open. He groaned and rolled onto his feet as the sound of shoes being kicked into the wall met his ears. 

“Papa look what I- whoa.” Isabel was holding some paper in her hands and standing in the doorway to the living room, staring at his stitches. 

Farlan came around the bend and his eyes began to shine. “Oh cool, what was the fight like?” The door, which has been closing, stopped squeaking, and then opened again as his mom came in to see. 

“Nothing you need to worry about.” Levi informed Farlan as Isabel came up to give him a hug. 

“Oh my word, when did that happen?” His mom asked. 

“This morning as I was beginning my shift.” Levi hefted Isabel onto his hip. 

“It's fine mom. They fixed me up no problem, I'll just have some scars.” Kuchel huffed. 

“This is why I didn't like you becoming a police officer.” She informed him.

“Would you rather I have joined the marines like Uncle Kenny did?” He asked. 

“Sometimes I feel like it would have been less dangerous. You always seem to find trouble.” 

“You're preaching to the choir there. Maybe I can convince them to put me on speed trap duty when I get back so I can actually enjoy my coffee next time.” Kuchel sighed. 

“Honestly. Try not to get involved with a fight again.” 

“I tried not to this time, but the fight still happened.” 

“What happened?” Farlan asked eagerly. 

“I might tell you after you finish all your homework.” Levi said, making Farlan pout. 

“Fine.” He huffed, shuffling up the stairs to his room. 

“Just try and be more careful.” Kuchel begged. 

“I will.” Levi promised, giving her a hug. “Thanks for picking them up.” 

“You know I love getting to see them. But let me know if you plan on ever having one of your own with someone. I'd like to see you find-” 

“Let's not rehash that conversation mom. Drive safe on the way home.” Kuchel gave him a wry smile and walked out the door. 

“Papa, look at what I made!” Isabel said, shoving the drawing in his face. 

The kids’ school was a block away from the Starbucks, so he just walked his kids to school the day he was supposed to meet up with Petra. 

Isabel babbled and Farlan stopped to look at every bug on the road.

They were almost there when Farlan raced up and almost knocked someone over to rescue some lizard that wasn't fast enough. 

“Farlan, apologize and come back here!” Levi called. Farlan said he was sorry and scurried back to Levi, lizard in hand. 

“Can I keep it?” 

“What did I say to the last fifteen?” 

“But this one’s different!” 

“Officer Ackerman?” Levi looked up, which allowed Farlan to stuff the lizard in his jacket pocket, and saw that Petra had been the woman almost knocked over.

“Petra, I thought you lived further down.” He said, vaguely remembering where she lived after having responded to a disturbance call a month before, 

“I just got off shift.” She sighed, and then took in the kids, “So these are the famous kids we always have to call for.” Levi laughed. 

“You met Farlan,” the boy looked at the ground, embarrassed, “And this one’s Isabel.” 

“You're pretty.” Isabel said, making Petra laugh. 

“Thank you so much, from the way you talked in the ER I didn't expect your kids to be so polite.” Petra said as Levi started moving his kids closer to the school. 

“That's because they don't spend as much time around my uncle who’s got the mouth of a sailor.” Levi explained. 

“But I thought Uncle Kenny was in the Marines, not the Navy.” Farlan piped up. 

“It's an expression for someone with a foul mouth.” Levi explained. Farlan nodded solemnly. 

“So they don't hear that kind of talk?” She asked, following alongside as they walked. 

“Not as much as I did.” 

“Well that's good.” Petra said with a smile, watching Farlan run over to another lizard. “He seems rather inquisitive.” She said as he picked up the lizard. 

“Yeah, it's a good quality until he comes running in the house with dirty shoes and shows off his little bug and lizard friends.” Levi replied. 

“How old is he?” 

“Eight, turning nine in January.” 

“I’m five!” Isabel piped up from Levi’s other side. 

“So cute.” Petra giggled, Levi thanked whatever gods there were that Isabel didn't hear her. 

“Okay, we’re close enough to the gates,” he said to Isabel, “You think you can handle running in without me?” 

“Yep!” She chirped. Levi leaned down to give her a quick hug and kiss before sending her on her way. She ran past Farlan, who realized that it was her and turned around to give Levi a wave before following. 

“Does their mom ever take care of them?” Petra asked, “Or is she not in the picture? I'm only asking because you never mention calling anyone but your mother to pick them up. 

“Neither of their birth parents are in the picture.” Levi explained. “They're not actually mine.” Petra’s mouth formed a small “o” as she let that sink in. 

“So how did a single police officer come into the custody of two kids?” She asked. 

“Unfortunately part of my job requires that I take kids away when one or both parents have done something that makes the state decide they're unfit to care for children.” Levi said, walking forward again, Petra tagging along, “Farlan was two when I had to arrest his mom for stealing from a big chain jewelry shop uptown. His mom didn't know where his dad was, and the kid was crying, so I just filled out the paperwork and took him home. A month later the adoption process was complete.” 

“Poor baby.” Petra said sadly. “What about Isabel?” 

“Her parents killed each other in what we assumed to be a murder-suicide. Thankfully whoever had done the shooting-” 

“You act like you don't know.” 

“Each had a recently fired gun, each had bullet wounds, we weren't able to figure out if they'd shot each other dead, or if the dad had murdered and committed suicide or if the mom had. Either way the place reeked of booze and they were obviously both drunk when it happened. So drunk they forgot their two month old was in another room. Thankfully she was out of range of any bullets.” 

“God that's scary.” Petra shuddered. 

“I hate to say it, but I've seen worse.” Levi replied. “Well, I went in the back when I heard her start crying, I guess she'd slept through it somehow, and when I found her and picked her up she stopped crying and gave me this little gummy smile. So I said that I would take her home with me.” 

“Oh, that's so sweet.” Petra said with a smile. “And here I was thinking you were just some gruff, foul-mouthed cop that happened to have kids. You do have a soul.” 

“Ow. I know you meant most of that as a compliment, but ow.” He said as the sun started to peek out from behind the clouds. “God that's bright, let's walk a little faster.” Petra agreed and they picked up the pace. 

“So how do your cuts feel?” She asked. 

“Perfectly fine. They’d feel better without the string in them.” He replied. 

“Then come to the hospital and have Mike see if you can take them out yet.” Petra said with a smile. 

“Might as well.” He admitted. “Or maybe I should just leave them in until after Halloween.” 

“You want them in that long?” 

“Hell no.” 

“Thought not.” She giggled as they crossed the street. Levi jogged up and opened the door for her to walk through. 

“Try not to keep the door open too long!” The manager called “Bugs are still running around.” Levi nodded and closed it as soon as Petra was in. She looked up at him and her eyes widened. 

“Oh my word, you’ve gotten burned.” 

“Pardon?” Levi asked. Petra pulled out her phone and fixed up the front facing camera before showing it to Levi. Sure enough he already had a bright pink burn. “I know I burn easy, but damn that was fast.” He muttered. 

“Maybe start wearing more sunscreen.” Petra suggested. “I don't know anything much about dermatology, so you're on your own.” 

“I'll have to. Hopefully it doesn't affect my work.” Levi replied. “Let's go ahead and order.” They walked up and waited while a hassled young man took orders and tried to make them while taking other orders. Levi heard a few people grumbling about how he wasn't working fast enough. 

“Honestly,” said the man in front of him, “I have to be at work in twenty minutes. He needs to hurry up.” 

“Maybe you should go to Dunkin instead.” Levi piped up. “Everyone knows that Starbucks takes a good long while and that this isn't the place to go when you're in a hurry. So either suck it up or go somewhere else.” The man turned to start a fight, but was either repelled or scared by Levi and decided that maybe he didn't want Starbucks today. 

“My hero.” Petra joked, making Levi grin. 

“I don't appreciate these fuckers that act entitled. They go into Starbucks and expect the employees to speed up just for them. They go to Target and expect deals from two weeks ago to still be held just for them. And worse of all they act like I have to do shit just for them because they think their taxes and their taxes alone pay the salaries of every police officer in town.” He replied. “I only have to put up with it when I'm on duty, but I can say whatever I want when I'm on break.” Petra laughed. 

“Like the people that come into the ER with a sprained ankle because they slipped while speed walking, and then get made when we treat a patient with a heart attack first.” 

“Exactly.” Levi sighed, “I can't stand them.”

“I guess I've lucky because I can tell them off and say there are those in greater need of help and they can wait an extra five minutes to pay for them not being careful.” Petra said. “I guess cops can't really do that.” 

“No, not really. I mean I guess I could, but then I'd be the cop on YouTube.” He said with a shrug. “I would rather just deal with it than get plastered on YouTube.” 

“Touché.” After a while they got up to the hassled young barista, gave their order, and then took a seat. 

They heard a slap along with someone getting mad about bugs. 

“Young man, I've been waiting five minutes for my drink, what are you-” 

“Ma’am, I need to wash my hands unless you want mosquito gut juice in your frappuccino.” The barista said apologetically. 

The rush finally slowed down ten minutes later, and Levi’s name was called. He went up to get their order from the young man. 

“I'm so sorry about the wait.” He said faintly. Levi noticed his skin was paler as if he had started to come down with something. 

“Don't worry about it. We’re in no hurry at all.” He said, slipping a generous tip into the boy’s jar. 

“Thank you sir.” He said with a smile. 

“Don't worry about it.” Levi said, taking their stuff back to the booth Petra waited at. 

“I think you just made his day.” Petra said as she took her latte. 

“Poor kid probably doesn't get enough thanks.” Levi replied. “Probably doesn't get paid enough, either.” Petra nodded. 

“Thanks for breakfast.” She said with a smile. 

“Small price for you to finally go out with me.” He teased. 

“Listen, I don't want you to think it's because I don't like you or anything.” She said, putting down her coffee, “I'm just a bit worried.” 

“About?” 

“Getting attached. If I go out with you and it doesn't go well, or we just don't hit it off, we just go back to normal. But if we hit it up and get close,” she sighed, “You come into our hospital at least once a month. Usually more often than that. One day you'll come in and you'll need more than just stitches, your life will be on the line and if we're dating then I might have to watch you die on the table. I don't want to have to go through that.” Levi nodded. “And I know we both love our jobs too much for either to quit just because of a relationship.” 

“Okay, I understand.” Levi said. 

“I'm sorry, it can't-” 

“I said I understand.” Levi interrupted, “You don't have to say anything else.” Petra nodded and took another sip. 

“Is it sad I've been on worse first dates than one where I was told another date was definitely not going to come?” Petra gave him an intrigued look. He was about to tell her about one lady he dated ten years back, when a scene behind the bar drew his attention. 

“Bert, I need to go into the back for a minute. I don't feel good.” The barista said, holding his stomach. 

“Yeah, go for it, you look like crap.” The manager replied, “We’re not busy so take your time.” The barista nodded and slowly moved towards the employee only door before his legs buckled and he fell to the floor. Petra spotted it and went straight into ER mode, running over to the kid before Levi could get out of his seat. 

She helped him into a chair and started talking to the kid, who said he was feeling really out of it. “He's still talking, that's a good sign.” She said, feeling his pulse. “Little on the fast side, but nothing terrible. Do you have any health problems?” She asked as Levi walked over.

“Low blood sugar from time to time.” He replied weakly. “But I just downed a tea a minute ago.” Petra felt his neck and forehead, 

“Slight fever. I suggest you go home and curl up under a bunch of blankets. Keep your phone near you in case it gets worse. Do you have anyone that can take you home? I don't think you’re fit to drive or walk home.” Petra pulled her hand back. 

“Um,” came a delicate voice behind them. Levi turned around to see his little cousin behind them, “I know where he lives.” She said. 

“Shouldn't you be in school?” Levi asked. “Your foster parents wouldn't be happy to hear about you skipping.” Mikasa shook her head. 

“No, class got canceled.” Petra looked between them, and he could see curiosity in her eyes. 

“Okay hon, if you could take him home, that would be fantastic. And maybe keep an eye on him or call someone that can if you don't feel comfortable.” 

Mikasa’s ears turned a little red. “I can stay. I was supposed to meet up with him later anyway.” Levi's eyebrows rose as Petra talked to the manager absurd getting his stuff from the back and feeding him more sugar just in case it was really low. 

“Why did you have plans?” He asked. 

“We were going to go out to eat. But I sitting in and ordering pizza works too.” 

“Aren't you a little young to be staying at a guy’s place?” She glared at him. 

“I know I'm young compared to the dinosaur in front of me, but I'm old enough to make my own dating decisions.” She huffed. 

“So long as you know how to properly-” 

“We are not having this conversation in the middle of a Starbucks!” She cried, her entire face beet red. 

“Okay,” Petra said after the manager slipped into the back, “Who’s she and hy are you trying to have “the talk” with her?” 

“You remember the uncle I told you about?” Levi asked. 

“Yeah.” 

“She’s his granddaughter.” Levi explained. “We call each other cousins for the sake of our own sanity.” Petra nodded.

“And the foster parent mention?” She asked. 

“My parents died when I was little, Kenny didn’t really want to take care of me, so I got put into a foster home.” Mikasa replied. “But Aunt Kuchel kept up with me and Levi would watch me and my foster brother when our parents were out of town for something or another.” Petra gave Levi a wry smile. 

“Your cousin’s taller than you.” 

“Shut up.” He huffed, making Mikasa giggle. 

“How old are you?” Petra asked her. 

“Twenty.” Mikasa replied. Petra shifted her gaze over to Levi. 

“And how much older or younger are you than her parents?” Petra asked. 

“Yeah, I’m old, get over it.” Levi huffed. 

“I’m asking a serious question! I’ve never seen your birth date on your forms when you come in.” 

“He turns forty-three on Christmas.” Mikasa snickered. 

“Okay, you know what?” Levi started, facing his cousin who had dissolved into giggles, but he didn’t get to say what, because the manager came out with Jean’s stuff and took Mikasa’s order. 

“I’ll even make you up something for your troubles ma’am.” he said to Petra. 

Mikasa nodded and said she’d pull the car around while he fixed up something for them. The barista boy was still swaying slightly in his seat, and his facial expression said he hadn’t heard a word because he was busy putting his energy into not passing out. 

Levi helped the kid into the car when she pulled up, and Petra brought out their drinks and made the boy start sipping on a drink that looked like it mad made with pure sugar. 

“I wish I could go without an emergency outside of work.” Petra sighed as the kids drove away. 

“This happens often?” Levi asked, walking her back inside. 

“The entire apartment complex knows i'm a nurse, so it’s always “Petra, I don’t feel good,” “Petra, I don't know how to use my new medical thing” exact words by the way, Petra this, Petra that, and occasionally a kid will call up saying “Ms. Ral?” It gets tiring. And if it’s not something medical, there’s always someone wanting to hook up, or set me up with their kid” 

“You’re welcome to come by my place and take a nap if you need it.” Levi offered. 

“Despite what I said earlier, I may have to, just so that I can get some time alone.” Petra sighed. 

“I’ll make you an extra key.” Levi laughed, patting her on the shoulder.


	5. Garlic, WTF?

Ymir’s date hadn’t gone as she’d expected. 

When she was making dinner and talking to her guest, she grabbed a clove of garlic from the fridge to mince up, but was forced to drop in when her palm started to burn. 

“Oh my god, that looks terrible.” Historia gasped, staring at the red swollen area. 

“HOly shit on a stick.” Ymir muttered, “I didn’t realize I had an allergy.” 

“Maybe you should leave the garlic out.” Historia suggested. 

“I think I will.” Ymir went over to wash her hand while Historia picked up the garlic and stored it away. 

“So that’s never happened before?” Historia asked. 

“Nope. But sometimes late life allergies settle in. It’s not uncommon.” She replied. “So don’t worry about it too much.” 

“You poor thing, you’ll never be able to eat garlic bread again, or go to Olive Garden.” Ymir laughed. 

“I can make shit just as good as Olive Garden.” She assured her date. 

“Good to know.” Historia laughed. 

She finally got the chicken and veggies in the oven and turned to Historia. “I wasn’t expecting you this early so it’ll be two hours before the food’s ready.” She explained. “So, what would you like to do?” She asked. 

Historia slipped up to her and pulled her into a kiss. “How about you?” she asked. 

“Uh, I mean, if you want-” Historia pulled her back down and the sentence was lost. 

 

The chicken was a little overdone when Ymir could finally check on it. But Historia didn’t mind since that was her fault. 

“It still tastes good.” Historia said, taking a bite.

“Yeah, just a little dry.” Ymir shrugged. 

“I don’t mind.” Historia laughed. “Oh, also, what’s up with your hand? Not the burnt part, but the stitches. I didn’t think being a nurse was a dangerous job.” Ymir looked at her hands. 

“Dude took a chomp at my hand while I was trying to help him.” She said. 

“You sound so blase about it.” Historia giggled. 

“Well, I had an old dude grope my tits last week while I was changing out his IV bag. Having to deal with that was more upsetting than a dude biting me.” Historia’s eyes popped. 

“Does that happen often?” 

“The groping or the biting?” 

“Either!” 

“Sadly I’ve been groped multiple times, but that was the first time I’ve been bit.” Ymir sighed. 

“That’s depressing.” Historia said. 

“Yeah. But there’s a couple of cops that come in and out regularly and will come in and threaten to arrest them for sexual harassment.” Ymir laughed. “One had a go at a co-worker’s ass while a cop was in the room, i think the cop has a thing for her cause he’s in way too often and gets sad when she’s not there, and he just ripped into the patient. It was fantastic.” 

“At least you have fun sometimes.” Historia laughed. 

“Yeah, and the really handsy ones we can get a little passive aggressive with.” Ymir said, “Oh, I’m sorry sir, maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much if you hadn’t surprised me.” she mimicked inserting a needle. 

“Nice. Make them think twice about fooling with the ladies whose hands your life is in.” Ymir nodded. 

“Exactly. Though it was kinda funny. We had this dude that had gotten in a crash the other day, and he was too high to deny he was on drugs, and on of the bigger dudes was trying to set this guy’s leg, and the dude takes a handful of his ass and starts squeezing.” Historia snorted. 

“No way.” She cackled. 

“Yes way. Poor Reiner was just sitting there, horrified as the dude started complimenting his ass.” Ymir laughed. “He said he understands what we go through now. But I wish I’d had my phone out so I could have taken a picture of his face.” Historia covered her mouth while she laughed. 

“It’s nice when men feel our pain. I mean, I kind of feel bad for him, but the dude was high and probably meant less harm by it than the usual ones.” 

“Yeah, he apologized later on once he sobered up. Bless his heart.” Ymir laughed. 

“That would have made a really cute story to tell if they’d started dating.” Historia said. 

“It was love and first squeeze.” Ymir laughed. “I took a handful and knew he was the one.” both women started laughing so hard that they couldn’t talk for a few minutes. 

“That would have been golden. Remind me to call and ask if he got the guy’s number.” Ymir said. Historia smiled and nodded. 

“Will do.” Historia pushed her hair behind her shoulder before saying, “So, should we make this a regular thing?” 

Ymir felt a tiny part of her cheering as she said, “If you’d like. I’d be happy to make this a regular thing.” Historia smiled. 

“Yeah, I’d like that.”


	6. I Said Four, Right? Four Vampires? ...

Eren had been feeling extremely out of it since the party. Not like he was sick, he was just rather drowsy and got a headache anytime he was anywhere too bright. Thankfully he was able to recuperate during the kids’ naptime. 

His phone started buzzing while he was putting in behavioral grades in the computer, he glanced at it and saw his little sister had texted him a picture. He picked up the phone checked out the picture. It was a thick stack of paper, being held together with three big binder clips, and a manicured hand forming a thumbs up. 

_What’s that?_

_It’s my finished manuscript!_ Eren frowned. 

_I didn’t realize you were working on a book. Is that why you’ve been buttering Armin up lately?_

_I just love Armin. More than you_ :P 

_Well congrats on the book. I’ll buy you a coffee tomorrow after school. But not at that Starbucks. I don’t like the way the Barista looks at you._

_Thanks big brother_ <3

He put the phone down and grinned. Mikasa had been making stories since she joined the family when she was itty bitty. But her stories had stopped being about unicorns and fairy princesses and had become extremely well thought out narratives. Somewhere in his apartment there was a memory card with videos of her telling her stories over a cardboard tea party with her Cabbage Patch dolls. And he was pretty sure his mom had her first stories tucked away somewhere. 

He finished putting in the grades and started walking around to wake up all the kids from their nap and helped them get ready to go home. 

 

Armin was already home and reading through another manuscript on the couch when Eren got home. 

“This one any better than the last one?” He asked. 

“A bit, yeah. It takes a lot to find a really good book after reading so many.” He groaned. Eren walked over and gave him a kiss. 

“Just take a minute to relax.” HE said, pulling away for a minute. “You’re always poured over one of these things and you’re always stressed. Put it down for a bit.” 

“But the author was late to submit it for editing and the release date is closing in-” Eren interrupted Armin with another kiss, taking the manuscript out of his hands and tossing it down the table. 

“You aren’t getting paid for this, it’s the author’s fault that it was turned in late, not yours. You’ve been working your ass off, just take some time to relax.” Armin sighed and wrapped his arms around Eren’s neck, pulling him onto the couch. 

“Fine. But I can’t stop for too long.” Armin said as he buried his face Eren’s neck. “I need to finish editing it.” 

“You know I adore you, but you’re going to work yourself to death. Just take an afternoon for yourself. Or us. We could go see a movie if it’ll help you relax.” Eren said softly into Armin’s hair. 

“Take out and Netflix? I don’t want to leave the house.” Armin suggested. “But probably minus the chill. Maybe with the chill. We’ll have to play the chill by ear.” Eren laughed. 

“Whatever you want babe. What do you want? Chinese? Sushi? Italian?” 

“Taco Bell? Please?” Armin looked up at him with his big eyes. 

“You know I can’t say no to you.” Eren replied with a smile. 

“Thank you.” Armin smiled back. 

A knock on the door interrupted Eren’s next question. 

“Why do I feel like that’s your sister?” Armin asked. 

“You’re probably right.” Eren muttered. “Who is it?” he called out, louder. 

“It’s me!” Mikasa yelled. “Can I come in?” Armin laughed a little bit while ERen rolled his eyes and pushed himself upright. 

“Fine, fucking nerd.” Mikasa’s key clacked the lock and the door opened. 

“It’s not nice to call your baby sister a nerd.” Mikasa said as she came in, a pink dress bouncing around her knees. 

“You look nice.” Armin said. Mikasa twirled around. 

“Thank you, I’ve got a date soon.” 

“A date? But you’re still a baby.” Eren teased. She stuck her tongue out at him. 

“I’m going to be legally able to drink in February. You might as well get that train of thought out of your head.” Mikasa said, opening up her bag. 

“It doesn’t matter how old you are, you will still always be a baby to me.” Eren said. “What’re you here about?” She pulled out the stack of paper and binder clips. 

“Armin-” 

“I’ll give you the information of a literary agent but I can’t promise you anything. You need to go through the proper channels kiddo.” Armin replied, making her pout. 

“Fine. But Can you promise you’ll work in my favor once I can get to your company?” She asked. 

“I can’t promise anything.” Armin gave her an apologetic smile. “But I’ll try once you start applying.” Mikasa nodded. 

“And don’t ask him to do any editing for free. Don’t give me that look, I saw that look in your eyes.” Mikasa stuck her tongue out. 

“I’ll see you two later, I have a hot date.” 

“IT better not get too hot.” ERen called as she walked out. 

“If it gets hot you won’t be able to stop me.” 

“At least use a fucking condom!” 

“Oh my god you sound like Levi!” She barked, slamming the door behind her. 

“Levi?” Armin asked. 

“I think he’s like a second cousin or some shit like that.” Eren sighed. 

“Okay.” Armin pulled ERen back down and kept cuddling with him.


	7. Okay, Found the Fourth One!

When Eren’s headaches started to get worse, he decided to go into his doctor’s office. He thought that his doctor’s questions were getting rather pointed, asking about his teeth getting sharper, sunburns, feelings towards garlic, among other things. But after asking questions he took a blood sample and said he’d be getting test results in by the end of the day. ERen didn’t really question why they needed blood samples for a stupid little headache, but he wasn’t going to have a fit about it. 

He went home and looked around for coloring pages for his kids until the phone call from the doctor’s office. 

“Mr. Jeager, so, we got results back, but we’re not exactly sure of the implications.” His doctor said. 

“Okay, what?” He asked. 

“Well, we found some sort of pathogen in your blood that is in the system of at least five others that we’re aware of. However, I’ve never seen this. And four of the patients are experiencing it differently.” 

“What about the fifth?” 

“He’s in the morgue, but his death is unrelated to the disease.” The doctor assured him. “However there does seem to be a pattern in the disease.” 

“And that is?” 

“Varying degrees of sun sensitivity. The sun either causes headaches or severe sunburns. Of course the sunburns is only in the one case. But there also seems to be a pattern of garlic intolerance, exhaustion, and sharpened teeth. Also everyone seems to be craving salty foods.” 

“Okay, so this isn’t something life threatening?” He asked. 

“Not as far as I can tell. But everyone seems to be in the beginning stages so I can’t make any promises.” Eren leaned back in his seat. 

“So, there’s a chance that this will end up killing us?” He asked. 

“I hate to say it, but yes.” His doctor admitted. 

“Is there any idea how it was transmitted?” He asked. 

“It seems to be related to blood systems. Two of the people we know of were guilty of biting two of the others, and that’s about the time that their disease popped up.” She replied. “Do you remember getting bit? It may have been as simple as a cat bite, or a bug bite, or maybe-” 

“I was bit by a crazy lady at a party.” 

“And when was this in relation to your symptoms?” 

“Just before, I think.” 

“Well there you are, if you can find out her name then maybe we can get a head start on this disease.” She said, behind him he could hear Armin fumbling with the lock in the hall and his heart dropped. 

“Okay, so what do I do now?” 

“Just wait for now. We’ll study the corpse and the other biter.” She paused for a moment. 

“Listen, I know that technically I shouldn't do this, but since there are maybe six or seven people we know of with this disease, I can see if I can get you in touch with the three that are victims and were bit by the others. It would be a good support system.” 

“You know what? Why not, go ahead. If they want to get in touch I’ll be happy to talk to them.” 

“Okay, I'll talk to them and then connect the four of you through facebook. Thankfully you all have that. I’ll connect you through our page.” 

“Thanks.” Eren hung up the phone and leaned backwards in his chair. 

He’d been expecting to be told to eat more fiber or more vitamin B12 or something like that. Not that he had contracted some new disease that nobody knew about. He heard Armin shuffling around in the kitchen and wondered how on earth he was supposed to explain it. 

Right now Armin didn’t seem to be in danger of getting this, but unless the people that had spread the disease were just plain crazy, he might feel tempted to spread it to Armin. Since they didn’t know what the deal was with it, he was scared that Armin might be put in danger. 

“Eren?” Armin called, “One of the agents I’m working with suggested a TV show that’s on Netflix, would you like to watch it tonight?” Eren took a moment to collect himself. 

“Yeah, sure.” Eren called back.


	8. Vampire Chatroom

_O’Connell Healthcare added Ymir Fritz to the chat_  
_O’Connell Healthcare added Levi Ackerman to the chat_  
_O’Connell Healthcare added Eren Jaeger to the chat_  


Jean: So is anyone else weirded out by this whole disease thing? 

Levi: I’m rather confused by the concept of a “group chat” 

Ymir: You must be old then

Eren: In fairness, I couldn’t figure out FB’s chat function until last year. 

Ymir: And how old are you? 

Eren: 26, you?

Ymir: 24

Jean: I’m 27 if anyone cares to know.

Levi: Fuck I’m old. 

Ymir: Called it. How old? 

Levi: Not telling. 

Eren: So, this may just be me because my partner reads supernatural novels for a living, but does this disease remind anyone else of vampirism?” 

Ymir: I was actually watching Shadowhunters and thinking that, yeah. 

Eren: Is that show as good as the book? I’ve been nervous to watch it in case they fucked it up. 

Ymir: I personally think they did a good job. 

Levi: Are all you children so difficult to keep on topic?

Eren: Try being a Pre-K teacher. 

Jean: So, if it’s actually vampirism, that doesn’t mean we’re going to start sparkling right? 

Ymir: … If he just jinxed it I say we burn him at the stake.

Eren: Motion seconded.

Levi: Consider this the majority vote. First to sparkle gets to hogtie him and light the torch. 

Eren: Sounds good. 

Jean: Why are you so mean to me? What did I do? Why aren’t you picking on each other? 

Eren: If Ymir’s profile is to be trusted then she’s a girl and by principle I find they have enough to deal with without being picked on. 

Ymir: So chivalrous~ 

Levi: Plus Eren and I know each other, though I had no idea you were sick. 

Eren: Same to you. 

Ymir: Cute. I ship it~ 

Levi: Beg pardon? 

Eren: You don’t want to know. Believe me. 

Levi: Okay. 

Ymir: So is this where we share what the fuck happened that got us sick? 

Jean: Sounds good to me. 

Ymir: I was trying to save a John Doe (the corpse if anyone wants to know) and while I was trying to suction blood from his lungs he decided my hand looked yummy and took a bite. 

Levi: I responded to a disturbance call, got in a fight with a drunk, and he chomped down on my ear. 

Eren: I was at a party and a lady went crazy and bit my neck. 

Jean: … 

Ymir: What’s your story? 

Jean: … 

Eren: We told, now it’s your turn. 

Jean: … I got bit by a mosquito at work that we think was carrying the disease. 

Eren: BRB, dying of laughter. 

Ymir: LOLOLOLOL

Jean: Fuck off. 

Levi: The Pre-K teacher has a better story.

Jean: I WORK IN FAST FOOD OKAY! 

Levi: I’ve responded to freak assault calls where patrons physically assaulted workers. 

Jean: Well, I think because my bite was so tiny I haven’t gotten a bunch of the symptoms in access. Like, I get a minor headache if sun is in my eyes, but besides sharp teeth, I don’t have any other problems with the disease. Though my blood sugar doesn't help. 

Ymir: Drink blood from little children, they’re always full of sugar. 

Levi: Touch my kids, I fucking dare you. 

Jean: I get enough sugar from cookies, thanks… 

Eren: That makes sense, I just get super drowsy during the day and get massive headaches. 

Ymir: Well he chomped down pretty good. I have a reeeeeeaaaaaally bad garlic allergy. My new girlfriend’s been eating garlic bread around me and I hate it. 

Levi: I’ve been getting severe sunburns when exposed even a little bit to light. And he was holding on for a good long while. 

Eren: Yikes. Shut the bathroom blinds. 

Levi: I wish you’d told me that last week. 

Jean: Ouch… 

Eren: Bless your soul. 

_Ymir Fritz changed Levi Ackerman’s name to Officer Crispy_

Eren: Oh my. 

Officer Crispy: What did you just do? 

Jean: LOL, nice. 

_Ymir Fritz changed Jean Kirstein’s name to Mosquito Boy_

Officer Crispy: Karma

Mosquito Boy: I hate all of you. 

Eren: Nice. 

Ymir: I couldn’t think of any for you, sorry. 

Eren: Feel free to change it when you come up with one. 

Ymir: Will do.


	9. Welp...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short, but I just wanted to get this posted. 
> 
> I've had a lot of stuff going on irl that's kept me from writing.

Jean threw down his phone and huffed. 

 

“Is something wrong?” Mikasa asked, walking out of his kitchen. 

 

“Assholes on a group chat.” He muttered. 

 

“Does this have anything to do with what your doctor told you?” She asked, tossing him a can of soda. 

 

“Yeah. It does. Two of them know each other so they team up on me.” 

 

“That’ll happen.” She sighed, sitting down next to him and tossing her legs over his lap, “So when are you going to tell me the specifics of this new problem.” She prodded. 

 

“I don’t really have it as bad as the others.” He replied, “So I don’t think I really have anything to worry about.” 

 

“So you’re not going to tell your new girlfriend about it?” Jean smiled at her. 

 

“I’ve told you pretty much everything. IF it gets worse then I’ll tell you then.” Mikasa gave him a skeptical look. 

 

“Okay then. Whatever you say.” She leaned over and grabbed the remote. “Netflix time. I want you to watch that new show I was talking about.” 

 

Levi stared at the station’s front door. His shift started soon so he’d need to go in eventually and explain the situation to his boss. He’d probably get moved to the night shift, which could be a bit of a problem. It would cost him more money, since he’d need to hire a babysitter to stay in and watch the kids, he didn’t want to impose on his mother for that, especially since she still worked regularly. He could bug Eren who had taught both kids and knew them well. But with Armin bringing work back he didn’t want them to be a bother there. 

 

He was tempted to not say anything, but those burns hurt like a bitch and even with the cool weather coming in, it caused a problem. 

 

After mulling it over for a minute longer, he got out of his car and went inside. He wove through the desks and knocked on his boss’s door. Pixis welcomed him inside and he explained what had happened, showing his chief the record his doctor had given him proving that he wasn’t making anything up. 

 

“This is an odd predicament.” Pixis sighed, leaning back in his chair. 

 

“You don’t have to tell me.” Levi sighed. 

 

“So, sunscreen doesn't help?” 

 

“Makes it a little more tolerable, but it doesn’t really help.” 

 

“I could always move you to the night, but I know you stopped that once you took those kids in.” Pixis said, “And I can’t blame you. The other option is putting you on traffic duty. I know it’s boring work, but it’s safer and you won’t be in the sun as much.” 

 

“I have books I’ve been meaning to listen to, I can handle working that for a while.” Levi laughed. Pixis nodded. 

 

“I need you to hold out until the next schedule though. We can’t just switch on a dime.” 

 

“Do you need to find someone to take my spot? Because I can wait longer if you do.” 

 

“No, we have a kid that’s been dying to be on patrol for a while. He’ll be happy to switch. I’ll pair him up with Smith for for the first week and then leave him on his own. He’ll be fine if he’ll just shut up.” 

 

“Alright. Sounds good. Thanks for understanding.” Pixis chuckled. 

 

“As much as you’ve done since you started working, I think the least I could do is to work with you on this. Now get out there. And try not to get yourself sent to the ER again.”


	10. Vampire Chatroom +1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay~

Mosquito Boy: I really miss garlic. I have to smell it all day and when I tried to eat a breadstick my tongue got all itchy.

Officer Crispy: My new pseudo-roommate keeps bringing back Dominoes and it’s driving me up the wall. They put garlic on their crust so I have to claim I can’t eat it. 

Ymir: Pseudo roommate? 

Officer Crispy: A nurse that comes over here to sleep in between work so that she’s not getting bugged by other tenants. 

Mosquito Boy: and why doesn't she just move in?

Officer Crispy: I may or may not have made romantic advances on her in the past and if I were to suggest she move in she’d take it the wrong way.

Ymir: I THOUGHT YOUR NAME WAS FAMILIAR OMFG

Officer Crispy: No need to shout. 

Mosquito Boy: I’m confused. 

Ymir: HE’S THE COP THAT KEEPS COMING IN AND HITTING ON MY COWORKER AND EVEN BEAT UP SOME PERV THAT GROPED HER OMG

Officer Crispy: Yet I have no memory of you. 

Ymir: Do you even bother to ask the name of any other nurse? 

Officer Crispy: Not particularly

Eren: Damn Levi

Officer Crispy: I really don’t see why you’re getting all excited. 

Eren: How much younger than you is she? 

Officer Crispy: A fair bit, but it’s not like I’m hitting on a child or anything. She’s probably a touch older than you are. 

Eren: Cradle Robber

Officer Crispy: I swear if I come back and that’s my nickname…

Ymir: Oooooh does Petra know? 

Officer Crispy: My kids and my mom don’t even know yet. So no, she doesn’t. 

Eren: Guess who’s gonna text Kuchel. 

Officer Crispy: A corpse? Do I need to make your husband a widower? 

Eren: Nope. 

Mosquito Boy: My new girlfriend took it pretty well. 

Officer Crispy: Wait, that reminds me, weren’t you the kid that got bit partway through his shift and passed out in Starbucks? 

Mosquito Boy: Maybe

Mosquito Boy: Probably

Mosquito Boy: Okay yeah

Officer Crispy: So one date in and you told Mikasa you’re a fucking vampire? 

Eren: Mikasa??

Mosquito Boy: Yeah, she’s this suuuuper hot chick that comes by from the college a lot.

Eren: She’s my little sister you fuckface 

Officer Crispy: And my cousin 

Mosquito Boy: Ah fuck 

Ymir: Do I need to alert the morgue

Eren: Yes

Officer Crispy: Yes 

Mosquito Boy: Oh dear god in heaven 

_O’Connell Healthcare added Hange Zoe to the chat_

Mosquito Boy: SAVE ME!!!!!!!!

Hange: Nice nickname 

Eren: That just adds to your weirdness

Hange: I didn’t know you had it too! Vampire Teachers all the way!!! 

Officer Crispy: Hello Hange. 

Hange: Hello person whom I don’t know the name of! 

Ymir: Great, more people, how do you know this person? 

Eren: They’re the P.E. coach at my school. Also, Hange, Crispy is Levi. 

Hange: LOLOLOLOL YOU’RE THE SHORTEST VAMPIRE ON RECORD!

Officer Crispy: I will end you.

Ymir: Did Jean leave? 

Eren: He’s probably gonna try and hide behind Mikasa. 

Hange: Is she a vampire too? 

Eren: I hope not. 

Mosquito Boy: She’s not. 

Officer Crispy: So you’re not hiding. Makes you easier to find. 

Eren: Dude, seriously, back away from my sister. You’re older than me. 

Jean: I’m a vampire that’s stuck in minimum wage food service jobs, let me have something! 

Officer Crispy: And I’m stuck with a shit pay from the police department supporting two kids, I’m in my forties and I got shot down. You don’t get to complain. 

Eren: At least you’ve got smart kids. 

Officer Crispy: This is true.

Hange: I’m single too and I’m a teacher so I really don’t think I’m better off than you. I’m willing to bet you make more than I do. 

Mosquito Boy: I doubt that. You have a degree. 

Eren: Dude I wouldn’t be able to stay in my apartment on my salary even if I worked as much as Hange does. And we make the same amount. 

Mosquito Boy: Dear god 

Hange: No more pity shit dude. 

Mosquito Boy: Okay, but I’m still not leaving Mikasa. 

Eren: If my husband says he’ll promote her book she’ll dump you. 

Mosquito Boy: OH COME ON THAT’S A LOW BLOW! 

Eren: And I will stoop there. Don’t doubt me. 

Mosquito Boy: Fuck you, I’m gonna go cuddle with her. 

Officer Crispy: Will Armin actually do that? 

Eren: No clue.


	11. More Confession Time!

Eren put his phone down and sighed. It felt horrible hiding this from Armin. He hadn’t said anything to him yet, what do you say to your husband when you’ve turned into a weird modern vampire? “It’s okay honey, I’m not going to drink your blood!” Yeah, no. But he couldn’t stand hiding it from Armin, especially when the guy hitting on his sister already told them, and they couldn’t have been together much longer than a couple weeks. 

Right on cue, Armin walked through the door. Eren made his mind up and got up to tell Armin. 

“Hey babe,” Armin said breathlessly from behind a box, “I’ve got a buttload of books at the library’s used bookstore.”

“That’s awesome.” Eren replied. Armin eyed him over the top of the box. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked. Eren explained what was wrong with him, and Armin listened intently. “Holy shit.” He said when Eren finished. Eren nodded and waited for Armin’s actual response. 

He got a hug, which surprised him a little bit. 

“I’m sorry for not telling you.” He said into Armin’s head. 

“Considering your track record, I can let something this freaky slide.” Armin laughed. Eren sighed. 

“You know, I’m just glad I’m not worse off.” He said, “I’m on a chat with a few others and one of them gets really bad sunburns. Like really bad and they’re almost instantaneous.” 

“Yeah, you can’t exactly get out of their outside recess time.” Armin laughed, leaning back. “Anyone we know?” 

“Two, actually.” He replied, which made Armin’s eyes widen. 

“Who?” 

“You remember my coworker Hange, they just found out today, I think.” Eren said, “And then Mikasa’s cousin-slash-uncle or whatever, Levi.” Armin’s eyes got even bigger. 

“Levi’s got it?” 

“He’s the one with the burns.” 

“Oh lord.” Armin shuddered. 

 

Ymir looked at her phone while she ate her mac and cheese. She realized that it may be a good idea to let Historia know. Give her a chance to get out before it was too late. Plus it would really say if she was a keeper is she stayed. 

But not at that moment. She didn’t think it was something to say through text. And a phone call was no good because she had to tell Mike before any of her colleagues did, and a phone call would have everyone claiming she was hiding it from him. 

She shoved her phone back in her scrubs and made her way to his office. Thankfully he was in there and not making rounds. “What’s up kid?” he asked, putting down the patient file he’d been holding. 

“You remember that John Doe? The one that bit me?” she asked. He nodded and started looking through the open file drawer next to him. 

“Yeah, I remember getting the test results back about him, there was some sort of disease in his system that we couldn’t place.” 

“And I caught it, there’s a few others and all of the symptoms, between myself and the others all say, uh…” 

“Vampirism.” Mike said with a nod. “I got a call about it from someone regarding Officer Ackerman, I wasn’t aware that you’d also gotten it. And I didn’t realize that’s what the Doe had.” 

“So, uh, I guess the question is if I’m still allowed to work?” she asked tentatively. Mike nodded. 

“It hasn’t affect your work, and until it does I would say stay on.” He replied, “You’re too good at your job. And thanks to you we know to clamp open the jaws of anyone that looks all bitey.” She laughed. 

“Glad to help. I’ll get back on the floor.” 

“Please do.” Mike said with a grin.


	12. Assholes Galore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the delay, but stuff came up. I'll try to update more often.

Mosquito Boy: There was just a report on at Starbucks about the disease, apparently a bunch of other doctors have patients with the pathogen. 

Officer Crispy: I don’t know if I’m comforted by this or not… 

Eren: Did it say if there was anyone that had had it for a long time? Like a couple years? 

Mosquito Boy: Don’t think so, they were just saying that it was a spreading disease that appeared to be mostly harmless. 

Hange: Awesome, that means we can tell Eld without him losing his shit. 

Eren: You didn’t tell him already? 

Hange: No, did you? 

Eren: Yeah, I did. 

Hange: Oh… 

Ymir: Hey crispy is it legal for people to come into the ER claiming they need treatment and then laughing at us for believing that they actually had the vampirism thingy? 

Officer Crispy: My name’s Levi, and technically it’s not harmful since they probably had to wait a while to get to the back. However, you can call their insurance company and inform them that the visit was a prank and they won’t foot the bill and the person will learn the hard way that you don’t waste a hospital’s time. The consultation alone is probably a full paycheck for these idiots. 

Ymir: Okay thanks. 

Eren: That’s just tasteless, what’s even the point of wasting several people’s time just for a prank. 

Ymir: White kids think it’s funny as hell until mommy and daddy get the bills and take their car. 

Officer Crispy: I’d make them wear a barney suit to school. But that’s just me. 

Eren: Honestly I thought you’d make them stay their friday night in a cell at the police office. 

Officer Crispy: Farlan wants to spend a night there, that’s why the barney suit. 

Ymir: You have weird children. 

Officer Crispy: Yeah, I know. 

Eren: They’re good kids though, even though Farlan is by far the dirtiest child I’ve ever had come through my class. 

Hange: Isabel’s the most energetic child I swear. 

Officer Crispy: Yeah, you have her run all day and then she still comes home with energy to spare. 

Ymir: Have you gotten her tested for ADHD? 

Eren: She doesn’t have attention problems, she’s just insanely hyper. 

Ymir: Ohhh

Hange: If Niles doesn’t shut up in two minutes I’ll punch him. 

Eren: Do it anyway, and record it, I wanna see that fucker with a bloody nose. 

Officer Crispy: I went to school with that asshole, he’s still bad? 

Hange: He’s saying everyone that’s claiming the disease is making it up and it’s a millennial conspiracy blah blah blah. 

Eren: So his usual shit? 

Hange: He was also talking shit about a certain someone beforehand so I was already on my last nerve. 

Mosquito Boy: Certain someone? 

Eren: Niles thinks I don’t belong in a teaching environment because I’m married to a dude. 

Hange: I’m sorry but if I was a parent and I saw that man watching kids on a field trip I’d call the police thinking he was a pedophile, so he has absolutely no right to shit on you because you’re queer. 

Officer Crispy: He always was a sack of shit. 

Mosquito Boy: I feel like I know that name… 

_Hange sent an attachment_

Officer Crispy: Oh my god he got uglier

Mosquito Boy: OH MY GOD THAT ASSHOLE

Hange: What did he do? 

Mosquito Boy: HE GOT MAD BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO OF US BEHIND THE COUNTER AND HE HAD TO WAIT FIVE MINUTES IN LINE AND THEN HAD TO WAIT FOR LIKE FIFTEEN OTHER PEOPLE TO GET SERVED BEFORE HIM

Eren: Sounds about right

Mosquito Boy: HE TRIED TO YELL AT ME AND MY MANAGER BECAUSE HE WASN’T SERVED BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE AND WHEN WE SAID THERE WASN’T MUCH WE COULD DO BECAUSE WE ALSO HAD DRIVE THROUGH TO DEAL WITH, HE FUCKING CALLED CORPORATE AND TRIED TO REPORT US

Officer Crispy: Good lord. Just give me a call if he tries it again and I’ll give him something to complain about. 

Eren: I wish Eld would just fire him already. 

Hange: Amen.


	13. Lots of Angry Dudes

Eren was about to leave for the day when he received a phone call from the front office asking him to see Eld. 

He walked up on his way out and was welcomed by Eld’s annoyed face and Nile’s ranting. 

“Ah jesus not this again.” Eren groaned. 

“Don’t fucking sass me boy!” Nile snapped, hearing Eren. 

“Niles, seriously, just let it go.” Eld sighed. 

“So I got called up to get yelled at by this guy?” Eren asked, leaning against the doorway. 

“He’s making more claims and I thought you might want to hear them before they start circulating around the school.” Eld said. 

“What claims? That I’m the antichrist and I’m teaching my kids satanic rituals?” Eren asked, making Eld smirk. 

“You’re a vampire!” Niles snapped, pointing at him, “It’s bad enough you’re spreading your liberalistic views-” 

“Is that even a word?” 

“But now you’re going to infect all those children with the disease and kill them!” Niles snapped. Eld ran his hands through his hair and shared an eyeroll with Eren. 

“The disease is only spread through saliva contact into the bloodstream.” Eld told Niles, “I was talking to Hange about it earlier. Assuming he has the disease he’d only spread it by biting the kids. And he’s smart enough to know not to bite the kids. So even if he had the disease he wouldn’t be any bigger a threat to them than anyone else at this school.” 

“I’d say the bigger threat is you,” Eren said, “You’re closing off the mind of your students.” 

“You take that back you f-” 

“Finish that word and I’m going to put you on suspension.” Eld growled, “Niles you need to keep any of your beliefs and thoughts to yourself and allow those around you to live in peace.” 

“He’s going to ruin those kids before they’re old enough to know right from wrong!” Niles snapped. 

“Kids don’t care about that stuff. They just take it and run, see nothing bad about it. It’s when people like you get a hold of them that they start to think differently.” Eren replied. 

“That’s exactly the problem-” 

“Niles, I’m going to give you one last chance to shut up and leave him alone.” Eld snapped, “Keep your beliefs to yourself inside school grounds. Come to my office again or confront Eren and I _will_ remove you from the staff and petition the school board to keep you out of our schools. Your etiquette towards your co-workers is horrid and I’m done putting up with it!” 

“You can’t remove me for trying to protect our innocent students!” 

“No, but I can remove you for harassment of your co-workers.” Eld snarled, “So either learn to stay quiet, quit, or have a stain on your record for the rest of your life.” Niles scrunched his face and stormed out of the room. 

“I’m praying that he’ll quit.” Eren said after the door was slammed closed. 

“You and me both. His students all hate him. The little kids are terrified that they’ll get him when they get there.” Eld sighed, leaning back in his seat. 

“With good reason.” Eren said, stretching his arms, “Mind if I go leave now? I need to find this little shit that’s dating my sister and give him a talking to.” 

“Your sister is twenty, she’s allowed to make her own decisions.” Eld laughed. 

“And her “boyfriend” is like, seven years older than her.” Eren replied. 

“Oh, okay. I get it.” Eld smiled, “Yeah go for it.” Eren smiled and walked out of the school. 

 

Jean was walking home when someone stopped in front of him. “Sorry.” He mumbled, not wanting to be bothered with any extra drama. 

“Jean Kirstein right?” The guy said. Kean looked up at a man with brown hair pulled into a ponytail and a little bit of stubble around his jawline. 

“Do I know you?” Jean asked. 

“Eren Jaeger, from the chat.” He said. Jean felt his stomach drop. 

“Please tell me you weren’t wandering around to find me and yell at me.” Jean whined. 

“I wasn’t going to wander around, but I was planning on taking my husband to the starbucks as an excuse to yell at you, yes.” 

“He wouldn’t care?” Jean asked. 

“He’s as close to Mikasa as I am.” Eren replied. 

“Great.” Jean sighed, “Listen, I like her, she’s cute-” 

“If you say “age is a number,” I will not hesitate to punch you.” Eren interuppted. 

“What? No… Listen I thought she was like, twenty-two for the longest time. I didn’t know she was that young until I met her uncle or cousin or whatever and they were arguing about ages.” Jean groaned, “And we’d already gone on a couple dates.” 

“So for all you knew she could have been a teenager in high school.” ERen snapped. 

“No, dude, we had a student day at work and she gave us a student id from the college. I wouldn’t have hit on her otherwise.” Jean said, waving his hands in the air in an X. 

“Seriously, why didn’t you think to ask how old she was?” 

“I figured she’d tell me if she wasn’t old enough, which I now realize was really stupid on my end, but seriously, it was honest-” 

“She’s too young to be dating, she’s got other shit to focus on right now, she doesn’t need a relationship to deal with.” Eren snapped. 

“Okay, listen, you’re not going to guilt me out of the one thing I’ve got going for me.” Jean snapped, adjusting his hood to block the sun in his eyes, “If you want to talk her out of it, then fucking go for it. But as it is I’m not going to make _moves_ on her for a while.” 

ERen rolled his eyes and walked off. 

“You’re just walking off after all that bullshit?” Jean called to him. 

“I’ve got to get home you idiot. I do actually have plans.” Eren called back. Jean shook his head and kept walking. He thought about bringing it up to Mikasa, but he was just too damn tired.


End file.
